Todays post is based on the question written above which I tend to receive more often then not from both people online and people in my life.
So here we go but before I do write this disclaimer
*anorexia is different for everyone, this post is just what my own personal anorexia is like*
Okay so many people describe their anorexia as a voice in their head, and I agree with this. My anorexia is like having another person from in my head (I call her the typical name of Ana) and she talks to me pretty much all day everyday until the moment I go to sleep. This voice is my eating disorder, it tells various things such as:
"you're too fat to eat"
"you don't deserve to eat"
"being skinny is all that matters"
"look at you, you can't eat"
"50 calories that's WAY too much"
"no one will love you unless you're thin"
"call yourself an anorexic, look at you eating you pig"
My voice screams louder then anyone else in my life. It screams louder then the doctor, then my family, then my loved ones, it's all I can hear and all I listen to when it actually comes down to eating.
I know all the side effects of this disease, in fact I feel them now. I have joint pains, I can't stand up for long, I can't walk for longer then 10 minutes, I sleep twice during the day everyday and my health is only going to get worse and worse until I reach *god forbid* infertility, hair loss, brittle bones etc. But my voice tells me this won't happen to me, that if I'm thin then that's all that matters and so I carry on and I simply cannot help myself. Food is consistently on my mind, I go to sleep at night planning my meals the next day and how I will avoid eating anything extra whether that's hiding food or making excuse upon excuse not to eat.
I sometimes have good days where the voice dies down and I eat more in a day, but sooner or later the voice always comes back booming louder then ever, making me eat less and less to make up for what I've previously eaten.
Imagine having another person tied onto your back and they whisper into your ear. This person hates you more then anyone and anything and uses all your mistakes in the past and present against you and uses it as fuel to get you to hate yourself into convincing you, you need to change, that you need to be as thin as is humanly possible. They are there every second of every day telling you the opposite of what everyone else says to you, and you believe them, you cannot help but believe them. And as every day goes on they get tied tighter and tighter to you making it harder and harder for you to get them off and be free from them.
I'm not too sure if what I have written has made any sense at all, I hope it has. I hope this has enlightened some and help some to realise that anorexics can't 'Just eat' despite knowing what they are doing to themselves.
Thank you for reading :)
B x
