Food on my thoughts.

Hello:)

So for a good few months now food and the prospect of eating has...well taken over my life. 

I cannot pick up a food and eat it without a long process of thoughts of how many calories are in this piece of food and if it will make me fat from eating it and so I have my foods that I know are safe and well I don't eat anything but those foods. 

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted, no guilt. Now I can barely pick up a piece of fruit without feeling guilty after it and quite frankly it's shit. 

I'm stuck in a never ending circle of wanting to eat pizza and cake like every other human being my age but not wanting to be fat and feel like a failure. 

As sad as it may make my life seem the feeling of hunger and refusing pizza or cake etc. actually gives me a sense of achievement....saying that (well typing it) actually highlights how sad that is and how bad this situation has gotten 

Sure I get the "just eat more" thing a lot but people don't really understand how impossible that is for me and for a lot of other people I guess as well. 

I ate 700-800 calories a day....that's half of what I should do I have no energy for anything even to feel happy and I am fully aware of all the health risks and how that is for me and how it will slow down my metabolism and only make things worse...but I cannot help it, it's a constant mental battle for me. 

I am sorry if you've come across this post and it's made you sad but I guess I needed to let my inner brain contents out onto a page 

If you have any advice then that would be really appreciated because honestly my life is just a misery right now 

I am not officially diagnosed with any eating disorder if anyone was wondering,

Thank you for reading if you did.

B x

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