Why I stopped eating red meat

Hey guys :) 

Today's post is quite a personal one to me because it's about my own personal life choices and decisions. 

*DISCLAIMER I'm not trying to insult anyone or influence anyone's decisions on their diet, what you eat is your choice I'm just here to share my own experiences*

Okay so about a month ago I decided to stop eating all red meat.

For those of you who don't know red meat includes- 

-beef

-veal

-lamb 

-mutton

-venison

-pork

-goat

-rabbit

-buffalo or bison 

And white meat is- 

-fish 

-seafood

-poultry (chicken etc)

Even though I eat white meat I try and avoid animal meats (I.e. Chicken and birds) as much as I can and get my main source of meat from fish, and I don't eat any forms of processed meats.

I have been researching into different life styles such as veganism and vegetarianism for a while and concluded that veganism isn't for me, neither is being vegetarian. However I do want become a pesctarian eventually (someone who doesn't eat animal meat but eats fish), but for reasons in my anorexia recovery (my body needs protein from meat right now) and it's hard for me to give up meat like chicken straight away so I thought I should just give up red meat to start and see how I go, and in this process I discovered this isn't the only reason that appealed to me for giving up red meat.

Health reasons as to why I gave up red meat: 

1)Red meat contains heme iron which leads to type 2 diabetes

2)High consumption of red meat and processed meat (chicken nuggets, burgers etc) lead to an increase risk of colorectal cancer

3)Men who eat a lot of red meat increase their risk if prostate cancer

4)Red meat increases the risk of Alzheimer's 

5)Red meat can increase the risk of cardiovascular disease

Okay so I know that foods that increase your risk of cancer etc change every few seconds and white meat can also have some of these health affects, but it is a common known fact due to extensive research and studies that red meats do have these affects. In addition to this white meat show to have much less of an impact, which is why I still eat it but as previously stated try to avoid meat whenever I can and not eat processed meats.

There are obviously ethical reasons why I've given up red meat and also trying to give up animal meat altogether. I am aware of the ethical problems to do with white meat, but this post isn't about being a vegetarian, it is simply about red meat...for now 

This post wasn't a preach at you to give up any type of food. Just something I wanted to share with you all 

Thank you for reading 

B x

How do you deal with gaining weight?- Anorexia Recovery

Hello :) 

Today I thought I'd write a post on one the most frequently asked question I get about my recovery from anorexia-"how do you deal with the weight gain in anorexia recovery?" 

Gaining weight has been hands down the hardest part of my anorexia recovery. At the start if my recovery I grew used to eating normally again within a few weeks, because I overcame this fear that if I eat food that I would immediately gain weight and be fat, but when I didn't I began to feel okay. 

However, obviously slowly overtime I did begin to put on weight, and when I saw this weight gained I completely freaked out and relapsed completely. 

When I gained weight my anorexia began screaming at me, calling me disgusting, fat, a failure,weak etc. and I believed it and gave in. 

But after a few months I got back into the recovery, because I learnt of ways to prepare myself and deal with the weight gain and the voice of anorexia. 

These ways aren't bulletproof, they won't magically make everything easier all the time. You need to accept that in order to healthy and love you have to out on weight, but they will hopefully make you strong and keep you motivated to stay in recovery: 

1)wear baggy clothes when you feel big or bloated- if you cover your body and can't see your shape you won't think about your changing body nor can you see it (out of sight, out of mind) 

2)on days when the anorexia is strong and you already have a negative view of yourself, avoid mirrors 

3)pick out 3 things about your body that you like everyday 

4)tell yourself that your body is becoming healthy. That your body needs to look this way to have children, to run, to travel, to go out, to live a fulfilling and amazing life

5)your body deserves this food

6)you aren't weak for eating. You're a zombie if you listen to the anorexia.

7)if you do not eat and gain weight to be healthy, you will die

8)your therapists aren't making you gain weight because they hate you and want you to be ugly. They are doing it to save your life and make you have a beautiful life, mind and body 

9)surround yourself with happy and positive people 

10)unfollow all thinspo accounts and pro-anorexia blogs

Recovering from anorexia will be one of the hardest things you'll do, but I swear to you it is so worth it in ways I can't even out into words for you. 

Please keep going I know days are hard and everyday is a battle but you're a warrior and you're so strong and you deserve a full life free of this. 

Fight for your freedom and fight for your life. 

I'm always here for support, please leave a comment or ask me on my tumblr- http://catchinghopesandfears.tumblr.com

Thank you for reading 

B x 

Healthy Granola Bars

Hello :)
Okay so recently I have been trying to eat healthy alternatives to my favourite foods, and eating healthier meals etc.
However I face one problem with this...I'm not a big fan of 'healthy' food
I mean I like fruit and vegetables and brown pasta, bread etc. But I don't like things like quinoa, lentils, meat substitutes, and only eating vegetables for my dinner and constantly having salads for lunch like most of the healthy bloggers out there do
And so a lot of these healthy cook books don't really appeal to me so it is hard for me to find healthy recipes I actually do like

These are granola bars have been a long time in the making. I've gone through a lot of trial and error with these until they tasted how I wanted them too and I think they taste so yummy and they are full of natural ingredients that are all healthy which is exactly what I, and everyone else wants in healthy foods.

 

Ingredients:

• 300g of dates (pitted)
• 200g oats
• 50g sunflower seeds
• 50g pumpkin seeds
• 50g raisons
• 2tbps cinnamon

*you can use any type of seed/nut you want and as many as you want, to add sweetness you can add tbps of maple syrup or a teaspoon of stevia*

Methods:

• preheat your oven to 200degrees Celsius
• de-pit your dates and place them in a pan of boiling water and let them soften (this can take up to 7 minutes) 
• once soften mush the dates to a paste (if you have a blender use this to make your life easier)
• in a separate bowl mix the cinnamon, oats and sweetener if you've added it together and then add the date paste and mix until all the oats are covered
• add in your chosen seeds, nuts and raisons and mix
• transfer you mixture to a baking tray that is covered by a greaseproof sheet so it doesn't stick
• bake for 20-30 minutes until golden brown
• once out the oven cut into bars and leave to cool

These bars are full of fibre and so will give you slow releasing energy throughout the day. The dates (which actually taste so good) provide you with a portion of fruit, the seeds give you such healthy fats and the oats are amazing at balancing  cholesterol.

These bars aren't like 'rabbit food' like many healthy bars are and when I eat them as a snack I don't see them as healthy because they are like the bars you buy at the supermarket
If you try these out please comment and share your thoughts!
Thank you for reading
Until next time
B x

A working week in smoothies

Hi :) 

So I've been way too into making smoothies recently. They are such a good and easy way of getting multiple types of fruit and veg into your body at once and so are packed full of vitamins and goodness for your body and they are so yummy as well! 

I don't follow any recipes when I make my smoothies i experiment everyday but I  always have one type of green veg (you can't taste it honestly) one or more types of fruit and natural yogurt as my liquid but of course it's up to you. 

When I tried to get healthy smoothie recipies people always had hard to get and expensive ingredients. So I thought I'd give you guys some really easy recipies with ingredients you can get anywhere

So I thought I'd record my week in smoothies for you (only the ones that were nice though) and their benefits to maybe inspire you to make your own as a super healthy snack :) 

TIPS FOR SMOOTHIE MAKING

-freezing your fruit makes your smoothie colder, thicker and means you don't have to add extra liquid where the fruit melts 

-for healthy liquids add almond milk, natural yogurt or water 

-to disguise the flavours of fruits/green veg you don't like but want a more nutritious smoothie add a sweet fruit you like

-honey is a good and healthy way of adding sweetness to your smoothie 

-adding natural oats to your smoothie not only adds nutrition and health benefits and flavour but also makes your smoothie a good breakfast meal as it fills you up more

-experiment with flavours such as vanilla extract or orange extract to make your smoothies more interesting and even more tasty

BANANA AND STRAWBERRY 

-2 frozen strawberries 

-1/2 banana 

-2tbsp of yogurt 

-a drop of honey 

-handful of spinach 

This smoothie was so sweet and fruity and yummy. It helps prevent diabetes, aid weight loss, strengthens the nervous system and white blood cells due to the B-6 vitamin in the banana. Boosts your immunity, aids eye health and fights cancer due to the strawberries and improves heart health and is packed full of iron due to the spinach. 

MANGO YOGURT 

-frozen mango cubes 

-spinach (however much you wish)

-2tbps of yogurt 

This smoothie is my favourite because the mango and yogurt taste so sweet and yummy together! This smoothie prevents cancer, lowers cholesterol, clears skins, improves sex drive (cheeky) and improves digestion due to the mango and is full of iron due to the spinach. 

MANGO AND KIWI 

This smoothie is the same as the one above except I decided to add kiwi which made the taste more tangy but was still so yummy 

-frozen mango cubes 

-1 kiwi

-spinach 

-2tbps of natural yogurt 

-drop of honey 

-splash of vanilla extract 

The benefits of this smoothie are the same as the mango yogurt smoothie except it is also high on fibre, aids sleep, improves heart health and prevents constipation due to the kiwi

STRAWBERRY AND MANGO

-2 frozen strawberries 

-Hanful of mango chunks 

-handful of kale 

-2tbps of natural yogurt 

-drop of honey 

This isn't the sweetest of smoothies but is still so yummy! This smoothie prevents cancer, lowers cholesterol, clears skins, improves sex drive (cheeky) and improves digestion due to the mango and boosts your immunity, aids eye health and fights cancer due to the strawberries, aids cardiovascular system, hydration, metabolism and detox due to the kale. 

BERRY SMOOTHIE 

-4 strawberries 

-blackberries 

-handful of spinach 

-2tbps of yogurt 

-drop of honey 

-sunflower seeds 

This smoothie isn't one for people who don't like bits in their smoothies because of the seeds in this one but it is such a lovely taste and is so healthy due to the seeds added! This boosts your immunity, aids eye health and fights cancer due to the strawberries, full of iron due to the spinach, full of antioxidants, aids the brain, relaxes muscles due to the blackberries, helps the cardiovascular system such as aids asthma, lowers cholesterol, calms nerves and full of healthy fats your body needs due to the seeds. 

So there's my working week in smoothies! All are packed full of nutrition and are so healthy for you. Feel free to adapt any of these recipies for your preference 

I hope this has given you some inspiration 

Thank you for reading 

B x

What I eat in a day- recovery meal plan

Hi :) so a lot of people on tumblr have asked me what exactly I eat daily since I am recovering from anorexia so I thought I'd show you. My diet is based on a meal plan I was given when I started recovery to help me gain weight slowly and get loads of nutrients in my body.

So the first thing I do when I wake up is drink fluids because it boosts your metabolism for the day and wakes you up. So I fill up a litre bottle with ice water and have some green tea which is super healthy for you and helps fight and prevent disease 

My breakfat is in two parts. I have two wheetabix (or wheat biscuits) which is low in sugar and salt,  heated with milk and wholemeal toast with butter 

Lunch I have a sandwich with two slices of wholemeal bread, butter and ham with a yogurt and chocolate- I always have malteasers but you can have any 

Afternoon snack i experiment with smoothies so I have a different one everyday. Today was banana, strawberry, yogurt and spinach and was so yummy and full of nutrients for my body 

Dinner chnaged every night (obviously) and tonight was wholegrain pasta with bolognese

For pudding I have chocolate and another yogurt and to finish I have two biscuits (or cookies if you're from the ISA) with some milk 

And that is my day :) I hope this has helped and inspired some you recovering or given you some healthy ideas 

Thank you for reading 

B x 

Recovery from Anorexia.

Hello :)
So a lot of my previous posts have been focused around anorexia and what it is like and the stigma surrounding the illness but I've realised I haven't written about recovery from anorexia. I know before I decided to enter recovery I didn't know what to expect and wanted to know what it was really like from a patients perspective. So in this post I am going to write about what my own personal recovery is like, how to enter into recovery for anorexia and what you can expect from recovery.
*I'd like to say I am based in the UK and so my knowledge about anorexia recovery can only really apply to the UK, also every institution has different ways in treating this illness this is just my own experience*

My Personal RecoveryMy recovery from anorexia began in September 2014. I go to a specialised hospital for the eating disorders and I am in the outpatient programme (meaning I don't stay at the hospital). They began my treatment by assessing me by basically asking me questions about my disorder such as:
-do I take any laxatives?
-do I purge?
-do I have fear foods?
-how many calories do I eat a day?
-what is my perception of myself?
They then took me into the medical room and took my weight and calculated my BMI, and did an all over body check. They sent to take 4 blood tests (over the course of the week) and an ECG scan (which checks your heart rate). At the end of the assessment they gave me the diagnosis of 'anorexia nervosa restrictive type' and gave me a beginner meal plan.
A meal plan is basically a plan of meals and snacks that you have to eat each day, it says the types of food that you can have at each snack/meal and the serving size. It's calculated to make sure you put weight on at a steady but safe rate and your body is getting all the nutrients its needs after being denied it for so long. The majority of eating disorder units put you on a low meal plan initially, because after months of starvation it's extremely bad and dangerous for you to begin to eat normal portions of food straight away. When I ate the food on this meal plan I felt like my stomach was going to split open where I was so full where I hadn't eaten for months. Once my body had adapted I was put onto a regular meal plan with much bigger portions meant for me to put on weight.
As for the therapy I see an eating disorder specialist every week to talk about my thoughts and she helps me put things to perspective for me and realise that being thin and not eating isn't a good thing, it is fatal. I also get weighed every week to track my progress.

(Above) portion size for dinner on starter meal plan

(Above) Portion size for dinner on regular meal plan

How to enter recovery
The best thing to do if you want or need to get help for anorexia is to honestly tell your parent or guardian, it will make things a lot easier for you especially when you're under the age of 18 as you can access all the best help through parental permission.
Going to your G.P is probably the best way to get help directly as they will have access to the best treatments in your area and will put you forward to be on the waiting list to be seen and assessed. The waiting lists for NHS treatment centres are long unfortunately (I waited 4 months).
Private treatment is similar to the treatment you can access through the NHS except there is no waiting list and you have to pay.

Be Prepared.
Anorexia recovery (like all recoveries) is extremely hard. When you begin to eat your meal plans your anorexia will scream so loudly it will be almost impossible to ignore it. You will feel so huge and you will be bloated and so full. But the bloating will fade in time as will the feeling so full because your body will adapt. Your eating disorder will tell you not to trust the treatment because they will make you fat. You will have days where the eating disorder goes and you follow your meal plan perfectly with little guilt. There will be days or weeks where your eating disorder will flare up and make you want to restrict/purge, I have hidden my foods on my meal plans for weeks, but you realise that will get you no where.
I've realised that hiding food will get me nowhere and this meal plan is the best possible thing for me. If I restrict I am feeding my eating disorder and nothing else. I have accepted that putting on weight is the best thing for me to get back my period, and my hair and my movement and energy and just my life. And you will realise that too

If you are in any doubt about whether recovery is worth it. It is.
It's scary and it's horrendous at times. I've hated myself and felt fatter then ever but I can stand up without blacking out, I have energy to laugh, to walk, I'm not cold all the time. If you do not eat you're feeding your eating disorder and the misery you feel with this illness will just get worse. My eating disorder made me love being thin but nowhere near as much as I love recovery and my recovery life. Below are some useful websites for you if you need or are interested in anorexia recovery
remember that eating is a requirement to survive and you have every right to eat
be strong
thank you so much for reading
B x
Recovering from anorexia and bulimia
National centre for eating disorder recovery
NHS-Anorexia Nervosa

2015.

Hello :)
Well 2014 has finally come to an end *sigh of relief*
This year has been without a doubt awful but I don't want to dwell on that too much. I wanted to share with you all my resolutions for the new year, however cliché and predictable it is

In 2015 I want to:
-drink more water
-do a good thing everyday (no matter how small)
-write blog posts weekly
-wear what I want
-eat a food that scares me everyday
-be honest
-go on more adventurous
-focus on what matters
-be happy, no matter what or who that involves

Only a short post
thank you for reading
B x

My Favorite Books-2014

 Hello there :)

So I thought I'd bring you a slightly different post to my usual mental health posts on this grey Sunday. I've really gotten into watching 'Book Favourites' videos on YouTube and got inspired to do my own version on my blog.

I've always been a bit of a book worm since I was little and so I read a lot, but I've managed to narrow my favourite books of 2014 (so far) to just 5 for you, however I couldn't put them in preference order it was just too hard!  

Divergent by Veronica Roth
So I am sure the majority of you have either read this, watched it or heard about it. I have read on three books in this series and honestly loved them all, however Divergent (the first in the trilogy) has to be my favourite. For those of you who don't know the story is set in an alternate world and follows a female protagonist by the name of Tris. I think the reason I loved this book so much is the world Roth created really captured me, it was exciting and followed a female who wasn't the stereotypical weak and clumsy type. It captured romance also but not in the cringe, cliché way and I couldn't put it down (I read it in two days).

The Fault in our Stars-John Green
I feel like there will be a simultaneous groan when people see this as this is all everyone has seemed to speaking about in terms of books for like the past 2 years, and I tried not to include it because it was just so typical but I couldn't not. I fell in love with the characters of this book, it was the most beautiful love story I have ever read and the words in it gave me goose bumps. I, like the rest of the world sobbed at this book, and any book that can give me goose bumps, makes me laugh and then sob is an amazing book in my world and so it needed to be in this post. If you haven't read this book then do it is better then the movie and makes you appreciate a lot.


The Perks of Being a Wallflower-Stephen Clibosky
Yes I am a little late with this one. This was an extremely hyped up book a few years ago but I have only just got around to reading it this year. This book is simply beautiful. I have very few words to say about this except it is honestly the most humbling and relatable story I have come across.

Catching Fire-Suzanne Collins
Yes this is a very well known book also. For those of you who don't know Catching Fire is the second book in The Hunger Games trilogy. I adored the series but when it came to picking my favourite this won by a landslide. This book introduces new characters like I literally love and grew very attached to, and the setting and storyline in this book had so many twists and so well written that I couldn't put it down. The romance element like divergent wasn't cringe in fact in some places it was beautiful and heart warming.

Gone Girl-Gillian Flynn
Okay so I will admit that without the release of the film recently I would have never of heard or read this book. But oh my goodness this book is unreal. If this list was in order this book would easily be at number one. The plot twists are mind blowing and every chapter leaves you thinking 'Oh my god!'. The character development is perfection and the female protagonist is probably my favourite main character of any book I have ever read. I couldn't put this book down and anyone who is looking for an intense crime to read then go and buy this and anyone who enjoys programmes such as Criminal Minds and CSI you will love this!

 

Okay so these are my favourite reads of the year so far. I really had fun making this post and so you will probably see more like this in weeks to come.
Comment below any book recommendations you have for me because I am always stuck on what to read next

Thank you so much for reading
B x

My story with anorexia.

Hello :)

It's been a good while since I have posted anything on this blog, I guess I just kind of forgot about it for a while with all the things that have been happening in my life.
I have been wanting to do this post for a while because many say that even if no one is interested it is good to write it all down and get it off your chest.

This post (as you may of been able to tell from the title) is the story of my own personal battle with anorexia from start to finish and so this post will be a long one so I won't get offended if you get bored and sign off half way through.

Before I begin I would like to quickly mention in the year 2012/2013 I suffered with self harming and depression and also this is my own personal story with anorexia everyone's story is different.

In May 2014 I decided that I was going to try and get my figure more to how I wanted it to be, my boyfriend at the time was really into exercise and fitness and watching him work to get his body the best it could be really inspired me to do the same. So I made a plan that in my two week period after my AS exams I would exercise everyday and start eating healthily and in order to do this I downloaded an app called My Fitness Pal.
At the start I really enjoyed it, I liked my fitness improving and eating healthily it made me feel better in myself and when I actually started to see physical changes in my body in spurred me on to do more and more.
Then I spent one weekend away to visit a University and I ate a lot of junk food because being in a car the majority of the time you can't really access 'healthy foods' and when I got home I discovered that I had put on 2lbs. I had this gut wrenching feeling of failure and I hated it and I hated myself and I remember standing on the scale in my bathroom thinking 'this can never happen again'.
So the exercising began to increase to everyday and became more and more intense and my food intake was a strict 1200 calories a day of good and healthy foods and I began to avoid foods that are known to be unhealthy such as chocolate, pizza etc.
Before I knew it I was sucked in, obsessed completely with exercise and food. My daily food intake was cut from 1200 calories to 900 and my exercise routine remained the same. I began to weigh myself after every meal and every workout and I became more and more unhappy with what the scale told me and so I cut down on my food even more.
By September I was eating 400 calories a day maximum, I had a list of foods that I strictly couldn't eat:
-chocolate
-sweets
-crisps/chips
-biscuits
-junk food (burgers, pizza etc)
-cake
-bread
-pasta
-any sauces (ketchup, gravy)
-carrots
-apples
-bananas
-pears
-salt and pepper
-red meat
-potatoes
-oil
-spreads (butter, peanut butter etc.)
-cereal
-normal yogurt (only no fat natural greek yogurt allowed)
-any food over 100 calories
and list of rules I had made myself:
-drink water before and after every meal
-chew your food at least 30 times before swallowing
-no food in-between meals
-no food after 5pm
I couldn't see what I was doing to my body all I saw was fat, I obsessively rubbed my hip bones and ribs to check I hadn't gained fat from just eating. I had no energy to go out of the house and my joints ached to the point where I couldn't stand or walk for longer then 10 minutes, every time I stood my eyes when black and my head spun and I had to grab onto a side until my vision was restored. I could no longer do the long intense workouts I once did so I obsessively did 200 jumping jacks, 100 burpees, 60 crunches, 60 mountain climbers, 50 high knees three times a day everyday.

I became a vile person to be around when your body is starving you don't sleep and so I was surviving off 4hours of sleep per night and 400 calories a day and so I didn't have energy to even speak I just snapped at my loved ones for no reasons until the point where no one wanted to be around me. I became severely constipated and used it as an excuse to abuse laxatives and took around 7 each day I became addicted to them as I loved the feeling of my stomach being completely empty. I couldn't eat something unless I knew exactly how many calories it had in it, and I went food shopping with my mum every week until the point where I couldn't physically go because where I had been starving for so long being around food triggered a binge setting in my brain where I wanted to eat everything. I didn't see friends because I physically couldn't and when I got home I collapsed in bed and slept. I was cold to my core all the time even in summer, I went to Spain where it was 28 degrees in the evening and had to wear a jumper.

I dropped from 9stone 10 pounds to 7 stone in 2 months. My bra size went from 34 C to a 30 A (with room). My periods stopped. My hair thinned out and began to come out in clumps. My body was extremely dehydrated and malnourished. And I didn't care. My illness told me that all the bad things were worth it because I was getting thinner and I was better person because I was thin, I wasn't a failure anymore and people loved me more now.

On September 13th 2014 my boyfriend of 2 year who I planned to go to University with left me, he couldn't handle it anymore my vile moods and obsessive behaviour was sending him into depression. My mum had broken down completely exhausted with the worry of if I had collapsed at school or died in the night. On September 15th 2014 I got admitted to a specialised eating disorder clinic and I have been in recovery ever since.

I haven't suffered with my illness for long like millions of others, but the development of my illness was quick and dangerous.
I am currently in recovery and face a battle in my mind every time I eat but now I am getting better I realised that I wasn't living back then, I was dying and I choose recovery over a thigh gap and hip bones any day because in recovery I have my life back, I laugh again and go out.
Anorexia took everything from me, the love of my life, my ability to have children, my family, my friends. But she isn't going to take anything else.

If you made it to the end well done !
Thank you so much for reading, if you have any questions please ask and if you think you are suffering from an eating disorder PLEASE TELL SOMEONE and if you need to talk to me send me a question on tumblr:
Keep Smiling you lovely people
B x

'What is anorexia actually like?' *T/W*

Hello :)

Todays post is based on the question written above which I tend to receive more often then not from both people online and people in my life.
So here we go but before I do write this disclaimer
*anorexia is different for everyone, this post is just what my own personal anorexia is like* 

Okay so many people describe their anorexia as a voice in their head, and I agree with this. My anorexia is like having another person from in my head (I call her the typical name of Ana) and she talks to me pretty much all day everyday until the moment I go to sleep. This voice is my eating disorder, it tells various things such as:
"you're too fat to eat"
"you don't deserve to eat"
"being skinny is all that matters"
"look at you, you can't eat"
"50 calories that's WAY too much"
"no one will love you unless you're thin"
"call yourself an anorexic, look at you eating you pig"

My voice screams louder then anyone else in my life. It screams louder then the doctor, then my family, then my loved ones, it's all I can hear and all I listen to when it actually comes down to eating.
I know all the side effects of this disease, in fact I feel them now. I have joint pains, I can't stand up for long, I can't walk for longer then 10 minutes, I sleep twice during the day everyday and my health is only going to get worse and worse until I reach *god forbid* infertility, hair loss, brittle bones etc. But my voice tells me this won't happen to me, that if I'm thin then that's all that matters and so I carry on and I simply cannot help myself. Food is consistently on my mind, I go to sleep at night planning my meals the next day and how I will avoid eating anything extra whether that's hiding food or making excuse upon excuse not to eat.

I sometimes have good days where the voice dies down and I eat more in a day, but sooner or later the voice always comes back booming louder then ever, making me eat less and less to make up for what I've previously eaten.

source

And so to answer the above question, for me anorexia is like this:
Imagine having another person tied onto your back and they whisper into your ear. This person hates you more then anyone and anything and uses all your mistakes in the past and present against you and uses it as fuel to get you to hate yourself into convincing you, you need to change, that you need to be as thin as is humanly possible. They are there every second of every day telling you the opposite of what everyone else says to you, and you believe them, you cannot help but believe them. And as every day goes on they get tied tighter and tighter to you making it harder and harder for you to get them off and be free from them.

I'm not too sure if what I have written has made any sense at all, I hope it has. I hope this has enlightened some and help some to realise that anorexics can't 'Just eat' despite knowing what they are doing to themselves.

Thank you for reading :)
B x

It's a mental illness, not a body type.

Hello :)
In this post I want to address a slightly more serious issue then that of my previous posts, something that affects me every single day at the moment and millions of others like me around the world and that is a very large stereotype that surrounds the illness of anorexia.

Imagine this. I put two people in front of you. One is a size 0, you can see their rib cage and their hips poke out and they have a thigh gap. The other is a size 20 with stomach rolls etc. and I ask you to tell me which one you think suffers from anorexia. Most people are likely to pick the person who is size 0 with great confidence, because of the stereotype that surrounds this illness.

People tend to view anorexia as a body type i.e. hips poking out, thigh gap, rib cage on show etc. when in fact this is not only very wrong but extremely dangerous. Anorexia is a mental illness, meaning it stems from the mind, which means that no matter what size a person is they can still have anorexia. Someone who weighs over 500lbs can be anorexic and on the flip side just because someone is very skinny, doesn't necessarily mean they have or ever has had anorexia.

As previously said this stereotype is a very dangerous one, as many people who suffer from this illness who don't fit into this stereotype don't have their illness taken as seriously and therefore don't get the care or attention they need and so their illness progresses until eventually they do resemble this awful and life threatening body shape.

Source

This idea that anorexia is body type needs to be banished and fast. It is not possible to be too 'fat' to have an eating disorder. Every case of anorexia should be taken with equal seriousness no matter what the size of the sufferer.

Thank you for reading
and remember it's a mental illness not a body type
B x

'If flowers can bloom after Winter passes, then so can you'

Hello :)
*warning this blog post may be one big ramble of nonsense*

The title of this blog post comes from probably my favourite quote at the moment, (I'm a bit of a quote whore so I switch which ones my favourite a lot but this one is definitely number one).
This quote can be applied to so many situations like most quotes can, the 'Winter' this quote refers to can mean so many different things to different people, it could be a down patch in someone's life due to grades, a death of a loved one etc.

To add a personal note to this post I'd thought I should explain what this quote means to me and why it's so special...
I have suffered with a lot of mental health problems throughout my life, last year (2013) I suffered from deep depression, self harm and suicidal thoughts and I got put into therapy for a long time, but recovered.
But most recently and I guess why this quote is so special to me right now is that I have been diagnosed with anorexia and I'm trying to recover and like all those who face recovery and I have good days where I feel motivated and positive but more bad days where I don't see myself as strong enough to get better....and this is where the quote comes in.
It reminds me that all things get better, no matter how long Winter is I will always get better at the end of it and I just need to keep going and teach myself to be better, because in reality no one else can do it for me.

And so do you, if you're facing trouble, be it something like me or someone close has died or you just feel sad, things get better, they always get better, you just need to stay strong and teach yourself how to be happy again by simply doing the things you love and stopping the things you don't, because if flowers can bloom after a snowstorm then so can you

Thank you for reading
B x

Sundays.

Hello :)
I think I am one of the very few teenaged girls that simply love Sundays....
I don't why my love for Sundays is so great, maybe it's the peacefulness that comes with the day, it's like the world is letting out a sigh of relief from the hard week and kicking off their shoes and sitting back waiting for the new week ahead.

Anyway my day hasn't been like the usual unproductive Sundays that I normally endeavour in. Yesterday I invested in a pair of bright pink (and I mean bright) Nike free run trainers which I found strange because I'm currently not allowed to exercise until my weight is up and my eating is better *rolls eyes*. HOWEVER this rule seemed to changed today when I was granted permission to play tennis for an hour with my other half and I haven't had fun like it in a while.
Since my eating problems have been getting worse and worse my views on life have done the same and I have been all round miserable and honestly at time damn right horrific to be around. But tennis today has lifted my mood and I'm clutching onto this sporting high for as long as possible.

Okay so I grant you me playing tennis on a Sunday isn't the most riveting of things to read, but hey isn't this what blogging is about? Besides I guess I just wanted to capture this day of overall happiness.

Thank you for reading
B x

*oh I also decided I want to start writing a book, nothing serious just leisure I guess*

Food on my thoughts.

Hello:)

So for a good few months now food and the prospect of eating has...well taken over my life. 

I cannot pick up a food and eat it without a long process of thoughts of how many calories are in this piece of food and if it will make me fat from eating it and so I have my foods that I know are safe and well I don't eat anything but those foods. 

I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted, no guilt. Now I can barely pick up a piece of fruit without feeling guilty after it and quite frankly it's shit. 

I'm stuck in a never ending circle of wanting to eat pizza and cake like every other human being my age but not wanting to be fat and feel like a failure. 

As sad as it may make my life seem the feeling of hunger and refusing pizza or cake etc. actually gives me a sense of achievement....saying that (well typing it) actually highlights how sad that is and how bad this situation has gotten 

Sure I get the "just eat more" thing a lot but people don't really understand how impossible that is for me and for a lot of other people I guess as well. 

I ate 700-800 calories a day....that's half of what I should do I have no energy for anything even to feel happy and I am fully aware of all the health risks and how that is for me and how it will slow down my metabolism and only make things worse...but I cannot help it, it's a constant mental battle for me. 

I am sorry if you've come across this post and it's made you sad but I guess I needed to let my inner brain contents out onto a page 

If you have any advice then that would be really appreciated because honestly my life is just a misery right now 

I am not officially diagnosed with any eating disorder if anyone was wondering,

Thank you for reading if you did.

B x

Photo credit weheartit.com

Making Acquaintances

Hello :)
There are minimal things to say about me I just wanted to introduce myself to anyone who was wondering around the internet and happened to come across this blog.

I am of the awkward age of 17, the in-between stage of still being a teenager and becoming an adult and I am a girl....if you were wondering. 

I enjoy documenting my thoughts on things and writing and so I figured I should start writing on a blog whether anyone reads it or not is down to everyone else but I guess it will be a therapeutic (and safe way) of getting out the contents of my brain onto a page
I can't specifically tell you what this blog will be centred around because no ones life is centred around one soul thing and I can't tell you how often posts will go up either because I'm not sure when I will fancy writing

If you're still here then thank you for reading this I do appreciate it and perhaps I will see you again sometime :)

(Photo credit from weheartit.com)